There are a lot of things to keep in mind once you have acquired a cat that will keep you, your cat and your family jewels safe.
Here are a few things to never, ever do:
1. Try to sleep in.
Forget it. It’s not going to happen. Even if you shut Fluffy McClaws out of your bedroom, his persistent Imma-starve-any-minute-now mews at the bedroom door will drive you up and out of your bed like a subservient dog. Fluffy doesn’t care whether you went to bed at 9:30 p.m. or 3:30 a.m.
“Doesn’t care.” Do you understand what that means? Probably not, because you’re not a psychopath.
2. Bend over while wearing a hoodie with strings.
This is extremely dangerous. Even worse: Ask in a high-pitched baby voice while bending over with those strings dangling, “How’s my little lion this morning?”
You’re just asking for it.
If you value your eyes — or your face in general, don’t do it. Ever.
3. Wear pajama pants with strings.
Damn. You were standing there, minding the kettle, wiping sleep out of your eyes. So innocent — like a stray gazelle on an open savanna.
Unbeknownst to you, your “little lion” is going for the kill. This is nearly as bad as the hoodie incident, but now we’re talking about losing the family jewels instead of your face. I’m not sure which is worse.
The beast may miss your jewels and for a brief second, you think you’ve been spared only to find that your pain receptors were slow on the uptake. There is pain. Excruciating pain. You have a small lion hanging from the tender skin of your upper thigh.
If you must wear things with strings such as hoodies and pj’s, for God’s sake, tuck the strings. Never forget. Ever.
4. Walk barefoot.
What kind of exotic lifestyle do you think you’re living that you should be able to stroll around so casually without shoes?
The Overlord prefers that you wear shoes and to establish his rule on the matter he will yak up tiny land mines in your well-worn paths.
So, after you’ve been nearly fatally wounded while watching the kettle, you rush to the bathroom to tend to your wounds and step in a pile of cold, slimy, whatever-the-hell-hairballs-are-made-of-cause-it-doesn’t-look-like-hair and it squishes between at least two toes.
You’re trying not to curse because people already tell you that you curse too much.
Aside from not cursing, your only goal right now is to get to the bathroom.
5. Leave your underwear drawer open.
So, now you’re in the bathroom and decide you need a shower to thoroughly remove the hairball goop from your toenails. You feel fairly safe in the shower because this time you remembered to shut the damn cat out.
You’re still slightly damp when you pull the underwear up that you set out for yourself last night and you’re in the middle of a self-congratulatory thought for planning ahead when your senses detect something a bit itchy in the groin. When you look down, you’ve left a streak of cat hair up your legs and you can only imagine what is happening inside the underwear.
Yes, your little lion was cute sleeping in your underwear drawer and it was especially adorable how his slumber was entirely undisturbed by you singing “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.” And, yes, your mom did appreciate the video.
You’re going to need another shower.
6. Never expect to make your bed perfectly again.
You’ve had two showers and managed to find clean underwear. You’ve doctored your wounds. It’s time now to change your sheets.
Again, your cat is there to save you from your pitiful need for perfection. Go ahead and try to get your fitted sheet down. Sir ShedsAlot dares you because this is the most fun he’ll have all damn day. Once you finally get him from beneath the fitted sheet, be prepared to go through all the same shenanigans with your flat sheet. Then your blanket. Then your duvet. And guess what? Your ass is cured by now. You no longer care if the bed is perfect. Having all of the layers in the right order is finally good enough and “good enough” is finally fine by you.
7. Tie your shoes.
Jesus. More strings? Do you have a death wish?
Good luck with this. You’ll never get them tied anyway. And, wherever it is that you’re going, you’re going to be late. So, just give up. It seems you already want to.
“My cat wouldn’t let me tie my shoe” is a perfectly good excuse and it will safeguard you from any future invitations so you can stay home in loosely fitted, padded clothing (with no strings) and spend more time in humble servitude to the Overlord.
8. Tell anyone that he is a good cat.
Don’t. Just don’t.